What I’m Reading

If you have some free time this week, consider reading the back of your deodorant stick. Here’s what’s written on mine, with analysis to follow.

Brand Name® Deodorant

TO USE: Turn dial to raise product. Apply to underarms only.

CAUTION: DO NOT APPLY TO BROKEN SKIN. IF A RASH DEVELOPS, DISCONTINUE USE. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.

INGREDIENTS: PROPYLENE GLYCOL, WATER, SODIUM STEARATE, FRANGRACE, SODIUM CHLORIDE, STEARYL ALCOHOL, FD&C BLUE NO. 1, EXT. D&C VIOLET NO.2

I disagree that this product provides 24-hour protection. Such a claim, which should include a hyphen, cannot be made without the caveat that climate conditions, amount dispensed, and human variance related to sweat glands will impact the serviceable length of the formula’s coverage. Also, calling it a “formula” sounds odd.

The claim of a resulting “masculine” feel, which should include an Oxford comma, doesn’t jibe with how I feel when I smear this stuff in my pits. Hygienic, yes. A responsible citizen, of course. But this action and resulting scent do not make me feel particularly masculine.

They draw attention with capitalization to their “Comfort Guard,” which might sound even more dramatic if it was called a “Comfort Guard System.” This describes what they call the “applicator,” emphasizing that it provides comfort. Saying Comfort Guard provides comfort is silly. And while I’m grateful for the control this applicator provides, I’m not steering a Beamer through fast turns. Applicator is another funny word choice; I feel like stick would do.

It’s a deodorant stick.

Let’s examine what it says about the average user’s intelligence that they provide instructions for use. On second thought, let’s not. It just says terrible things.

The warnings, in their ALLCAPS, sound shouty and dire. They appear concerned that children might ingest it, and that if their formula enters the bloodstream via an open wound, the customer will be poisoned. This leads me to conclude this product is a source of what folks these days call toxic masculinity, but which is really just a pattern of acting like an asshole while being a man.

Ingredients will be ingredients, and the only thing that raises eyebrows here is the specific dyes being used to create the product’s blue glycerine appearance. I wonder how many focus groups they convened to test just the right color to keep customers coming back for more. Does color really matter for something that vanishes when applied to one of the least visible places on the human body?

I’ll have to broaden my reading next week.

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