Rhymes with Fake Gnus

1.       Fake shoes. Also called flip-flops. 2.       Fake brews. Non-alcoholic beer. Avoid at all cost. 3.       Fake dues. No payment required. 4.       Fake flues. Actually, you feel quite good but call in sick. 5.       Fake ruse. This is the same thing as telling the truth. 6.       Fake rues. Actually, you don’t care. 7.       Fake poos. Better smelling than the real thing. 8.       Fake … Continue reading Rhymes with Fake Gnus

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Can He also Ride a Porcupine?

Two weeks ago (yes...) I visited my son's second grade class. I read to them from my current work in progress, a novel soon to be presented IHO Mohan's eighth birthday. Before I finished the hands were up and all the mouths were saying 'Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!' They had plans for my principal foil, a … Continue reading Can He also Ride a Porcupine?

Here Come the Floods

After take your child to work day comes take your dad to school day. What I learned on the school's field trip to Jamestown: Fourth Graders are too cool for the luxury coach toilet. Until they aren't. A few snide remarks went around this morning at the back of the bus. Comments on odor. Nervous … Continue reading Here Come the Floods

Finite Jests

There’s nothing pithy in the title ‘Before We Break for Lunch, Let Me Repeat Everything Already Said at This Meeting At Least Twice.’ And that's exactly the point. By sticking its finger in the eye of brevity, this piece at the tail end of Flash Nonfiction Funny captures everything that’s beautiful and funny and sad … Continue reading Finite Jests

Books Not Presently Up at Amazon

  The Attorney for the Attorney Representing the Client’s Attorney---A Legal Thriller Balzac’s Listicle of SCOTUS Decisions on Penal Reform Other People We Must Arm & Why---Essays on fear-mongering from the NRA Nantucket: Beyond the Limericks Dirty Rhymes, Inappropriate Puns, & Other Reasons Dad Shouldn't Drink So Much Dr. Pepper Treats Sgt. Pepper’s Chest Wound: … Continue reading Books Not Presently Up at Amazon

Turns Ten. Turns Us In.

The kid set us up, big time. He gets a bat and balls and batting glove, bowling and pizza and chocolate cake, and this is how he repays us? All week long we put little signs around the house noting his tenth birthday. Ten of them to be exact. Or, make that 12 or 13, … Continue reading Turns Ten. Turns Us In.

Levity with Brevity

My copy of Flash Nonfiction Funny cometh! I hope the wait's as brief as the material---rib-tickling bites of 750 words or less compiled by editors Tom Hazuka and Dinty W. Moore (yes). As the book makes its way to my doorstep, I'm looking at the anthology's 71 contributors (including myself) and the first name to … Continue reading Levity with Brevity

White House Valentines

How will the denizens of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. mark Cupid’s feast tomorrow? If recent reporting is any indication, their ideas on romance suggest there’ll be no bon-bons and necklaces going around. Chokers, perhaps. Or these gift ideas: For all the president’s men, including the partisan patsies in Congress, the gift will be the sleeveless white … Continue reading White House Valentines

May the Bird of Paradise Rest in Your Armpit

The man with the 70's hangover---big stache, wide lapels, swooping toupee---assigned to teach my fifth grade class regularly heaped this wish upon us: 'May the bird of paradise rest in your armpit.' What this meant, and why it should happen to us, was never made clear. It was only, mysteriously, repeated. This was a 1982-83, … Continue reading May the Bird of Paradise Rest in Your Armpit

Rock Paper Scissors Shutdown

Gun violence isn't the only systemic failure of the federal government to be yodeled at with doomed futility in Patchworks. Furloughs and government shutdowns also pepper a story full of recurring small deaths. There comes a point---moments before the plot's big turn---when two sympathetic colleagues must choose: which of them will take a round of furloughs instead of … Continue reading Rock Paper Scissors Shutdown