Coming Out Ahead

I just bought a dozen Cadbury Creme Eggs at nine cents apiece. $0.09!

Now, to Malta!

“I don’t buy eggs from Malta,” he confessed… “I buy them in Sicily at one cent apiece and transfer them to Malta secretly at four and a half cents apiece in order to get the price of eggs up to seven cents when people come to Malta looking for them…”

“Then you do make a profit for yourself,” Yossarian declared.

“Of course I do. But it all goes to the syndicate. And everybody has a share. Don’t you understand? It’s exactly what happens with those plum tomatoes I sell to Colonel Cathcart.”

Buy,” Yossarian corrected him. “You don’t sell plum tomatoes to Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn. You buy plum tomatoes from them.”

“No, sell,” Milo corrected Yossarian. “I distribute my plum tomatoes in markets all over Pianosa under an assumed name so that Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn can buy them up from me under their assumed names at four cents apiece and sell them back to me the next day at five cents apiece. They make a profit of one cent apiece, I make a profit of three and a half cents apiece, and everybody comes out ahead.”

One Year on the Beat

A year ago this week I put Jeff Mutton on the beat.

Assigned to keep America’s diplomats safe in Saudi Arabia, he proved a tough match for tyrants as well as terrorists. He endured vacuous conversations during diplomatic soirees and survived quack psychiatry at the hands of State Department shrinks. He introduced us to a secretive government entity known as Fourth Branch. He helped the man with no lips from the office that wasn’t there collect intell to support the War on Terror, even when there wasn’t any.

Happy birthday, Jeff! Here’s a list of top ten things that haven’t happened in the year since your story was revealed:

10. Two Pumps hasn’t been used as fuel for any book-burnings.
9.   There are no known fatwas on the author’s head.
8.   The story remains uncorrupted by Hollywood.
7.   There are no reports of this book being sold without a cover.
6.   About the cover: Two Pumps‘ only bad review was an insult to the jacket.
5.   About reviews: No 0- or 1-star insults!
4.   Saudi Arabia hasn’t declared the author Persona non-Grata.
3.
2.   The author has avoided slick-road car-wrecks and fan captivity.

And, the #1 thing that hasn’t happened in the year since Mutton’s story was revealed

1. No Oprah Book Club controversies! Thank you, Oprah!

Jimmy Breslin

Jimmy Breslin, Carrie Fisher, Bruno Kirby—together again. ‘…It spoke to you, and that pleases me.’

Sally (Meg Ryan): “Well, let’s just say I’m not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin.”
Jess (Bruno Kirby): “Well, he’s the reason I became I writer, but that’s not important.”

Marie (Fisher): “Restaurants are to people in the 80s what theater was to people in the 60s.” I read that in a magazine.
Jess (Kirby): I wrote that.
Marie: Get out of here.
Jess: No, I did. I wrote that.
Marie: I’ve never quoted anything from a magazine in my life! That’s amazing. Don’t you think it’s amazing? And you wrote it?
Jess: I also wrote “Pesto is the quiche of the 80s.”
Marie: Get over yourself.
Jess: I did!
Marie: Where did I read that?
JessNew York magazine.
Harry (Crystal): Sally writes for New York magazine.
Marie: You know that piece had a real impact on me, I mean I, I don’t know that much about writing but…
Jess: Well, well, it spoke to you, and that pleases me.