(not an actual conversation)

Lewandowski, you’re fired.

Yes, boss.

Now that’s outta the way, I got something else for you.

Anything, boss.

Very important. Really really big job. Super important big job.

Sure boss.

I mean, you’ve done such a tremendous job for me. I mean a really really great bang-up job with the press. Keeping those losers in line. Just absolutely Grade-A work.

It was an honor, boss.

I just love the way you bruised up that little thing from Breitbart, right? Am I right?

You’re right, boss. You’re always right.

And your media blacklist? Oh, my God. Genius. Brilliant. You’re my Karl Rove, Lewandowski. My Karl Fucking Turd Blossom Rove. I couldn’t do it without you. Except—you’re fired. Remember that. Fired.

Fired. Got it boss.

And the media pen! Restraints! The rough-housing and tough talk. The oozing, bruising manhandling you meted out this year! I love it. Love it all! Love. It. All.

It was an honor to serve you, Mr. Trump.

So here it is. You ready for this? Here it is. Ready?

I’m ready.

Lewandowski, now you’re done working for me, I want you to go work for them.

Them, sir?

The media!

Sir?

CNN. You get that shit-eating grin of yours on the air for CNN as a pundit. A paid pundit. Tell them how wonderful I am. What a great guy I am. What a normal human bean I am beneath this crazy cowardly hair of mine.

Sir, I- You think CNN is that stupid? Maybe Fox…

Fox!? Forget about Fox. Forget fucking Fox and that Megan Kelly and her blood coming out of her wherever. Fox is over. Fox is done. Over. Done. I want you on CNN.

You think they’re that stupid?

Think it?! I know it!

And the people?

The people? What people?

The American people. Do you really think they’d be so stupid-

Lewandowski. Lewandowski. Come back to me here. What is this? You’re doubting me now?

No, sir.

What did you say to me when we started this thing a year ago? About the American people? About the Republican American people especially? About my chances.

I told you I didn’t think anyone would ever be dumb enough to believe you were a serious candidate, or to believe your message of hate and bigotry and misogyny and all that.

Exactly! And I hired you on the spot. And you know why? You know why? It was because you had the balls to say that to my face. Big balls. Yuge balls. YUGE! And look at us now! Look at where we are now.

We’re on top, sir.

You bet we are. And you know how I’m going to stay on top, Lewandowski? I’m going to infiltrate you right into the heart of the loser liberal media and make you sing my song to them on their free-advertising air.

Mr. Trump, it’s brilliant.

It’s crazy, is what it is. It’s as crazy as me being the presumptive nominee for the Republican party. It’s that crazy, but it’s true. You with me?

Of course I am, sir. Every step of the way.

No you’re not, Lewandowski. Because you’re fired!


Enjoyed this absurd imaginary banter between Donald Trump and his “former” hitman Corey Lewandowski? Find conversations of a similar nature in Two Pumps for the Body Man, a satire on the frustrating life of diplomats serving in Saudi Arabia during Bush’s “war on terror”. Check it out here.

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