Kitchen Talk with Donald Trump

The Republican candidate sounds off on Swift, Pope, and ‘The Poors’

What I do is, the way I like to cook babies is, I like to stick ‘em in the pot head first. You know, so it doesn’t hurt. Like little red lobsters—unh—headfirst, right in the pot.

trump-palin-pizza2What? I’m just saying. Just kitchen talk between you and me, right?

Who doesn’t eat babies? I eat babies. I reach right out and grab ‘em and stick ‘em in the pot head first so it doesn’t hurt. It’s terrific. Really terrific. So terrific. I got the idea from Jonathan Swift. You ever heard of Jonathan Swift? Terrific writer. So great. His solution to help all the Poors? Let the Poors eat all the Baby Poors. Boom, boom, two problems solved at once. Terrific idea.

After I stick ‘em in the pot I put the babies on pizza and eat ‘em with a fork. Cause I’m a gentleman, you know? A gentleman. Look, this is just kitchen talk, right? Kitchen talk about smart ideas.

Another smart writer, another terrifically smart guy I never read from the same era: Alexander Pope. The Rape of the Lock. Love it. Love it! Terrific title. I could reach out and grab that book with four fingers, all four fingers on this hand here.

You know my rapist Mexican cook and I don’t agree on this. We share lots of recipes, lots of kitchen talk between us, but when it comes to grabbing things we don’t agree. He says I should only use my finger and thumb.

“Mr. Trump,” he says, “you should hold your fork with your finger and your thumb.”

I’m like “No. No way, Hector. If you see something you like you grab it with four fingers, just like that.” Unh.

Like see that cat over there? If I wanted that cat, I mean really wanted it, I would just reach out and grab it up with all four of the fingers on this one hand little hand. Not little. Yuge. These fingers are huge and I’d grab that cat up with all four fingers.

Other recipes? Chinese babies. They make terrific Chinese food. No chopsticks, though, I draw the line there. Too ethnic, too foreign.

You know the foreigners are just invading this country, right? Look, all these Mexican rapists taking over my favorite pastime. Too much. Too much. Not good.

Just between you and me.

A little kitchen talk between us.

Photo credit, Fox, who else.


Like this satire? Me too. Here’s more—Diplomatic Security vs. The War on Terror.