How will the denizens of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. mark Cupid’s feast tomorrow? If recent reporting is any indication, their ideas on romance suggest there’ll be no bon-bons and necklaces going around. Chokers, perhaps. Or these gift ideas:

For all the president’s men, including the partisan patsies in Congress, the gift will be the sleeveless white undergarment pictured above. The only question is whether it will be Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, or some high-end designer brand. The Walmart line, perhaps, in return for that corporation’s recent I-Love-You to the Administration (see Walmart Steels Away #3 at DOJ).

Only one gift will do for all the ladies of the house. Name-brand steaks in easy-open packaging. Perfect for rapid application and damage-repair to the eyes and other fleshy parts as a result of unrestrained violence*. Because a woman should never look beaten.**

And how will the staff reciprocate? What gift will they have for the Eros in Chief? There is only one way to shower affection on a man who loves himself so dearly, who pines so much for total public adoration.

To achieve this, the staff can do no better than to create a video compilation of all the great applause moments that occurred during the first year in office, from ‘This American carnage stops right here’ to ‘He says he’s innocent, and I think you have to remember that.’

The video montage, starring the President, will be called ‘The P Tape‘.

*Domestic violence is never funny. Never. Far from making light of the issue, this post sheds light on the callous re-victimization of the alleged victims of abuse at the hands of former staffers like Rob Porter, David Sorenson, and even old hacks Steve Bannon, Corey Lewandowski, and Andrew Puzder, all of whom seem to have taken a cue from their unapologetic boss.

**Spokesperson excepted.