Category: Humor?
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White House Valentines
How will the denizens of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. mark Cupid’s feast tomorrow? If recent reporting is any indication, their ideas on romance suggest there’ll be no bon-bons and necklaces going around. Chokers, perhaps. Or these gift ideas: For all the president’s men, including the partisan patsies in Congress, the gift will be the sleeveless white…
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May the Bird of Paradise Rest in Your Armpit
The man with the 70’s hangover—big stache, wide lapels, swooping toupee—assigned to teach my fifth grade class regularly heaped this wish upon us: ‘May the bird of paradise rest in your armpit.’ What this meant, and why it should happen to us, was never made clear. It was only, mysteriously, repeated. This was a 1982-83,…
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Rock Paper Scissors Shutdown
Gun violence isn’t the only systemic failure of the federal government to be yodeled at with doomed futility in Patchworks. Furloughs and government shutdowns also pepper a story full of recurring small deaths. There comes a point—moments before the plot’s big turn—when two sympathetic colleagues must choose: which of them will take a round of furloughs instead of…
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Mexico Time
We are waiting on a shuttle from the Cancun airport (CUN) to Puerto Morelos, half an hour south. The driver checks on some paperwork after shoving a couple dozen suitcases into the rear. Sweating in the sun, he reviews his clipboard, makes a call, consults his coworkers dressed in matching tropical shirts. The Americans behind…
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Vs. Newspeak
Vulnerable. Entitlement. Diversity. Transgender. Fetus. Evidence-based. Science-based. Susceptible. Privilege. Variety. Trans. Unborn child. Data-driven. Science-centered. Stay flexible. Be prepared.* (*wanted: substitutes for suspect terms—diplomacy, equality, literacy, peace, stability, investigation, special counsel, democratic, dissent. Facts).
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Little Green Men
I’m about done reading Little Green Men, Christopher Buckley’s satiric romp through an imaginary government bureaucracy established in 1947 to promulgate UFO hysteria in America. MJ-12’s mission: keep the Russians off-balance during the Cold War & boost support for Defense spending against unknown threats by means of increasingly intrusive forms of alien-related phenomena. What begins as mere sightings…
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Adventures in Punctuation
Important for boys: Digging up the backyard to make a pond, building makeshift shelters out of branches, then hiding inside to spot the wildlife attracted to the pond. Not important for boys: Punctuation. Or did the publisher assume that some kid’s sister would get ahold of The Boy’s Book of Adventure and refuse to let…
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10 Words I Hate
Manspreading. Not in defense of the posture or those who assume it. The word’s as gross as it is misleading. I predict an EEO complaint in its future. File this word with mansplaining as a crappy portmanteau. Votarama. Actually, this whimsical-sounding act occurs when congress picks America’s pockets and probes our inner reaches for pork.…
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Dear Pepe,
The ugliness caught up with you. Charlottesville rebuked your kind in August. This week, the entire Commonwealth did. I’m not one to gloat, Pepe. I like democracy. I like the free flow of ideas and the First Amendment. I even like torches — especially when carried before the White House to celebrate suffrage for African…
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Prophetic—
Patchworks is sadly a timely tale of national character and individual insight, juxtaposing individual lives and Second Amendment rights. One reads this engaging, often amusing, and ultimately disturbing account in light of an advancing history of public massacres involving firearms. WorldView Magazine’s Peter Van Deekle reviews Patchworks at Peace Corps Worldwide. Excerpts: B.A. East brings…
Ben East Books 